storm of dark clouds ☁
it's starting to be real painful to be alive again. last week i was disassociating pretty badly. nothing felt real at all, i truly felt like i was just watching "me" live throughout life without any sense of control over my choices, just by a routine or some sorts. today, it felt like was the last straw to break the camel's back. i was thinking maybe i should go figure out how to kill myself or go to hospital.. screamed so loud in my car while driving & crying that honestly i really thought i was ready to die today. obviously whatever attempt i made in dying today didn't work out as i am here typing this to you all to read. my meds don't really feel like they're working anymore (50mg trazodone & 10mg lexapro) i don't know what to do anymore. it's pretty sad & i feel regretful a bit every time i think about my family & friends & how this would effect them, but really i just don't want to feel this pain anymore, this unbearable pain that has no explanation why i just feel like a useless piece of shit. i don't know what to do anymore. tomorrow i might just wake up feeling okay again honestly, it's like so bothersome how my mood is so bipolar.. i just want to not be like this & wonder if one day i'll successfully end my life but make everyone in this life be confused for the rest of their lives or wonder how life would be like with me in it & the thought of that makes me really sad that it might happen. i just want to be happy..
