Quiet.

I hope that if one day I lose this mental battle with myself that everyone who's ever known me will just forget about me. Forget I ever existed. Move on. Live happy lives & just forget I was ever here. I don't want to be remembered. I just want to disappear like I was never here. It's so quiet late at night like this.

Cold.

 I feel like my parents hate me or not really hate me because if they really did hate me I wouldn't be taken care of. I feel this awkward tension with them since I told them recently how I wanted to die again to be less of a burden in their life. What they don't know is that I attempted on June 18th & sadly failed & woke up June 19th still here.. they just feel so cold towards me lately.. not as talkative, not warm towards me anymore. It feels cold. Sometimes I wonder why god keeps letting me live no matter how many attempts. Why am I still here? I should've died in 2011 the first time I tried to die. All I've done lately is rot in bed, I'm too tired to do much anymore, this depression is weighing me down. Up'd my dosage of my antidepressants. Life doesn't feel normal right now & it sucks. I hate how cold they are towards me right now, but I guess that's part of growing up right? Everyone will just go on & live their own lives. I don't even want to be alive. I know my little cousins would be sad if I wasn't around anymore though.. so I guess I have to keep going for them. All I do is cry alone in my bed every night lately. I wish this feeling in my chest would go away. It's so cold.

Update: It's always my mom that goes back to "normal" when talking to me because in the end who else would she have to tell everything to. I know why they've been so strange around me. It's truly a recession indicator. This is truly a bad year.

Anhedonia.

 I don't understand why I'm still here honestly. My mom says I'm not a burden, but all I feel is that I am. My mom says she'll be sad if I die. My dad said I'm an adult if I choose to live or die is on me he doesn't care. So I guess mentally that's just encouraging me like oh so it really would be better if I wasn't around anymore. I feel like I'm just a stupid waste of space. I can't do anything right. I haven't had a proper job in a long time due to my brain being so stupid I can't function properly to even have a job honestly because I can't focus at all. I wish I was normal but I also wish I wasn't ever born because I didn't choose to be here. I keep telling my parents how easier their lives would be not having to deal with me anymore & how they could sell my things & live life comfortably without me but they keep telling me how selfish I'm being. How I'm threatening them by wanting to kill myself, when really I just see it as a solution to everything. If I wasn't around anymore the world would continue going on, nothing else. I know that. I think it's selfish everyone wants to keep me around honestly when I just want to stop hurting.

2026

 Hello my blog that i rarely update anymore honestly.. i feel like the internet isn't the same place it used to be back when this & my tumblr were my main internet addictions. everything crafted on the phone now is so manufactured now social media wise with how people "live" & such that we've really lost all the niche hobbies & individuality anymore. what have i been up to? i'm 31 years old now. if you've read my past then you know i was a very depressed child & i somehow have made it into adulthood as a depressed adult on anti depressants lol. nothing much else is new. life is still life-ing. honestly i feel like money would solve all of life's stress because debt be drowning lol. i just wanna help my family out. i'm still tired. i sleep so much. oh yeah i've lost a lot of weight, i was 256lbs & now i'm 173lbs lol anyways i'm hoping life turns around by the end of this year or else that 2027 will be a better year. i don't have much to look forward to rest of this year besides the BTS concert in september & maybe save up enough money to run off to Japan again where i can just turn my brain off & go breathe in the countryside again.

2025

 Hello my blogspot, it's been quite awhile since I've updated.. I do have a lot of photos, ventures etc. from who knows when the last time I updated was but I guess most of it is now filmed for my YouTube or tiktok for the most part but also there's things I should still post pictures of on here like my photography from my travels but I've lost motivation honestly to consistently keep up with things like a blog, vlog or anything for that matter. I am now 30 years old, life is good but I'm still miserably depressed lol.. like I guess that never changes even throughout these years I'm honestly surprised I'm still here. I truly am just high functioning suicidal person. Think the word for it is passively suicidal but here I am. I'm surprised I've even made it to 30, quite a lot of things have happened for me, I was in a BTS documentary that premiered at big film festivals & even worldwide in theaters. I've attended lots of concerts & have experienced a lot honestly which I am truly thankful for still being alive to experience but it's like when the days are slow & quiet & my bank account is $0.23 I start to wonder like what am I still doing here? What's my purpose? Why do I feel so unproductive? Like I felt like at least few years I had things to do but now as we truly enter a big recession the worlds now pretty much in depression, like it's tiring & expensive to live. Just wish I could win the lottery & make sure my family & friends are all good & then I can truly rest in peace. Anyways, I don't wanna waste any of your time anymore on this yearly update of my blogspot I've been doing, so I wish you the best, have a nice day everyday & if you read this far thank you for keeping up with me~ see you next year probably ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2023

 Last year i literally said i was going to make a big post to sum up the whole year but i didn't end up doing that and now it's the end of 2023 lol not like anyone really reads this blog of mine but i'll always feel like i should update it cause it is like my online diary. of course i still am severely depressed & on anxiety meds that's not new to this blog of course. i'm still trying my best of course to keep trucking through this life.. i don't know what i'm doing with my life still & maybe i never will ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i'm 28 years old in this moment & i hope next year 2024 my last year of my 20's at 29 i'll find the peace in my heart, soul & mind hopefully but probably not lol thank you for keeping up with me if you still randomly do on this blog. hope you're well. have a nice day everyday~

Hello~

 i haven't been on here in awhile, probably because i haven't really touched my laptop in a year lol. if anyone does keep up with my public diary aka this blogspot, hello! i'm still alive! LOL but yeah i feel like i'll do one massive big post of 2022 soon~ it's been quite a year indeed.. life's a rollercoaster & we're still here on the ride. also thank you if you've been wondering or checking up on me here.

May 22nd 2021 ☁

 wow i feel like i haven't updated this online journal of mine in a long while.. like it's truly been just a place to dump photos from my phone & such.. but i felt like it's time i update everyone again in words & not just pictures.

anything new? not really.. we've been in a pandemic since March of 2020.. honestly it's crazy to think about how things will never be the same from pre-covid times, but on a plus side everyone will be cleaner now & that's something i like as a really clean ocd person who washes their hands so often. i also enjoy wearing masks because it was normal in asia & now i don't really have to worry about wearing makeup etc. also masks are very stylish now too haha, i have so many pretty ones tbh. i feel like i'm the very few people who still cares about being careful & not going out often, because i'm paranoid about getting covid because even being vaccinated isn't 100% either.. but everyone else has kinda pretty much gone back to "normal" in a sense.. it really sucks caring so much.

speaking of caring.. my emotional mental health has been shit this month lol constantly still wanting to unalive myself / thoughts of it, but like it's not like i want to die, i just don't want to live, but i will continue to find purposes to continue on. like my family & friends for example even if my family is one of my biggest triggers when they're not considerate of how they actually hurt my feelings at times lol but whatever the struggles of an asian american juggling intergenerational traumas while healing my inner child all at the same time~ i'm really thankful for the solid friends i have now a days.. like seriously it makes me wanna cry just thinking how much they genuinely care about me. my little cousins who dearly love me & an understanding psychiatrist & paxil pills help too lol

i look back at old posts of mine in my younger years & truly the dark clouds of depression & anxiety hasn't left me at all for a long time now, but that's just living with it as a high functioning person that people forget i have a cloud over me too.

i'm 26 now. things i've been doing? arts & craft to mindlessly do something to distract myself when the overwhelming feeling of anxiety washes heavy over me. listening to music like mitski. i still enjoy photography when i am able to go take photos of sceneries & random views from my POV. i think that's one major thing i miss about traveling is sceneries, unique architectural structures, etc. i feel like lately i've been just regressing back to things i enjoyed as a kid too like tenfold than usual. like yes, i like anime & manga but now i read & watch it even more & collecting relics of my childhood like bananas in pajamas, the big comfy couch, pokemon snap & such.

things i wanna say to my future self who will read this: i hope you didn't yeet yourself lol i hope you're happy even if it's just less sadness, i hope you found some more reasons to continue this life journey. i hope we don't wake up sad as much & i hope you've had more fun in the future now instead of laying in bed most days crying. keep going, we have things to do that we don't know about yet. places & people we've yet seen or met & more memories to make with loved ones. i love you always. - Kaitlyn (2021 age 26)

Goodbye 2020

 Usually by the time it hits the end of the year especially towards NYE, i'd write about how much ups & downs of the year i've had. what i've learned, things to be thankful for etc. but honestly because this year has been such a strange one with the pandemic, staying home even more so than usual & not really doing much, i don't really have much to write out besides i'm thankful for my family & friends health during this time living in 2020 when this deadass will be in the history books of how covid-19 really changed the whole world. things really won't ever be the same as pre-covid & it's super crazy to be living through this time in life. i have very low expectations & goals for 2021 honestly, like whatever happens, happens. i hope everyone stays happy, healthy & safe~♡

2019 Recap —

2019 has been such an amazing year, i can't believe i am at this point in my life where i love life. if you've been following my blog for awhile now you'd know i used to hate myself, i used to hate existing sooo much, but now i am excited about life. i look forward to what's next & this year has had so many blessings on top of blessings that i am so thankful for. all the experiences i've had this year, all the treasured moments with my family & friends. i feel comfortable to say i am happy. yes, there's still days i do get sad, but i keep myself in check & not fall into too much of a spiral of a depression, having a therapist to see every 3 months & anxiety meds really help with that too LOL i look forward to 2020 & all the doors that will burst open & pave the way to exciting adventures for me~♡

2018 Recap —

if you asked me this time last year how i felt, it would've been way different. 2018 has honestly been an amazing year & i just feel like it's been so good. like almost too good? as sad as it sounds, being depressed makes you feel like when is this high going to suddenly just be over & when will i just suddenly drop back to rock bottom. i am trying my best though to keep afloat & keep this feel going. 2019 hasn't even started yet & already i'm going on another amazing trip with my family. 2018 i got to travel to places i'd never imagine i'd ever get to go to, spent time with family & friends, got a great therapist to talk to every 2 months & just overall it's been gucci y'all! LOL here's to the end of the year & onto the next one. 2019, the year of the pig, my year, let's conquer it! yeehaw!

Depression, the Asian Stigma ―

so i haven't gotten personal on my blog like i used to before, about my personal feelings, etc. i made this blog more focused on other things but recently i tried to die, again.

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now i know what you're thinking, as what my family thinks too "you have a good life, why would you want to kill yourself, you have everything!" my life & my depression are two separate things. i don't understand why they never understand that & in the past when i've had these sudden episodes where i finally break down & try to die, i always get the same thing said to me, that they don't think there's a reason why i should be depressed.

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they think i don't appreciate my life, that i'm grateful & they think i'm just selfish.

1. i do appreciate my life, i am thankful for everything in my life. i truly am.

2. if i had a broken arm, you would probably feel bad right? but i have a broken brain.

3. selfish, i probably am for wanting to end the pain inside sometimes.

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i've gone to therapists, i've gone to psychiatrists, i've been on anti-depressants, i've been diagnosed with clinical depression & bipolar II, but you know what? in the asian world, that's not real, being depressed isn't real, it's just "acting up" in the asian world you're just a stigma. you're just bringing up issues & you're just bothering everyone with a "not real" problem. if i'm it's not physically shown i'm in pain, then it's not a real problem.

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well, i'm sorry family. i'm sorry that depression is the monster that lives in my head. my depression stays dormant for awhile because i learned to pretend to be okay to get through every day. depression is that dark cloud that hangs over me even when everything is going great. depression is the inner demon that tells me i'm a horrible person. DEPRESSION IS THE DEMON THAT TELLS ME EVERYONE WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME AROUND. DEPRESSION IS ME, I AM DEPRESSED! DEPRESSION IS REAL & IT'S IN MY HEAD. it's a part of me, it doesn't just magically go away just because i've been okay for awhile. it's always here. depression is a person sharing space in my head with me, that i can't kick out. depression isn't just when i am sad & everything is going wrong, depression is there when everything is going right & everything is great. that's what my depression is, that's what's hurting inside.

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my life & my depression does not correlate, they both have nothing to do with each other, it's the two lives that separately live & sometimes the bad one of my depression will have an episode within my real life & suddenly everyone thinks i'm just crazy. i'm tired. "my depression makes me emotionally tired, but i will continue to put up a front, i will continue to try my best to be strong & keep the depression at bay, because if i don't everyone just wants to send me away." nobody wants to deal with an issue they don't understand. nobody sees suffering, they just see a problem.

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mental health isn't talked about enough. mental health isn't explained well. it's a damn chemical imbalance in my brain! depression can kill someone every 30seconds, i read that statistic & heard it in a TEDxTalks video. to my fellow asian brothers & sisters, going through this same shit or honestly to anyone going through this with nobody around them understanding, please get help if you can, find a good therapist or at least some good friends to talk this out with. please keep trying & please don't die. if i'm still trying, you need to too. if we're still breathing, we have to keep trying.. please god, whoever's overseeing this life, keep giving me the strength to keep going if i'm still meant to be here, because i still have shit to do, the world to travel & see. i'll be going to therapy again soon y'all & i hope she can explain to my family about mental health, depression & how it's my mental health & it has nothing to do with my great life.

my life ≠ depression ✗

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from the kdrama: it's okay, that's love.

from american mystery drama: twin peaks

2017 Recap —

honestly 2017 has been a really good year. probably one of the best years of my 20's. i didn't expect to have so much fun & actually not have that many mental breakdowns. there were more highs than lows this year & honestly i hope 2018 will be just as good. i'll try my best to make it so for myself. here's to another year passing & i hope next year will be a good one for everyone! let's make it happen, instead of waiting for it to happen.

February 2017 Birthmonth ♡

kicked off my birthmonth with a gift from maggie, it was such a nice surprise, literally made my day that first of february ;___; ! also elyse treated me out to my favorite korean fried chicken that week kekeke~

went to denny's at midnight to claim my free birthday grand slam, my grandmother made me my favorite, curry to eat all week of my birthday week LOL

i went drove around to plenty of places to claim some free birthday food & items on my birthday & my family gifted me money of course LOL because literally after 6th grade, for christmases & birthdays i get gifted money since nobody really knows what to buy me.

i was surprised in the mail with a package from amazon! which i found out (because amazon didn't leave the note) this was a gift from yara! i was like seriously so surprised, i felt so emotional getting this gifted in the mail randomly.

went to disneyland on a rainy day with my friend emily to get my birthday pin & have soup, mint julep bar & the dole pineapple juice^^

my aunt took me to recess room to have a birthday dinner with her. this place was hella good! i honestly didn't expect it at all to be good, but it was & i really hope to go eat here again soon! seriously anything you order is good *0*

got myself a kaiba & dark magician girl keychain~ then natalie ordered off my amazon wishlist this ryan bb cushion! it's so cute ;__; i love it.

my family had valentine's day/birthmonth dinner with me, got a heart shape pizza just like last year as usual. i also treated myself to a big cat plush because it's on sale this month for $23 & some face masks at tokyo central.

hung out with my childhood bro4lyfe brian, he took me to round 1 & paid my silver card & for the credits for us to play. some days later, my other aunt bought me some food & such from tc. asahi oolong tea is hella good~ also i love sandwiches.

omg elyse, her wrapping of my gifts is so nice ;___; i always feel bad ruining the wrapping !!! she seriously thought all this wasn't enough of a gift for me, but seriously this is way too much! i seriously wanted to cry. like how??? so many rare haikyuu items & my angels from macross & my friend vy gifted the rin coin pouch & kuroko stan~ seriously i have such good friends, i'm so blessed.. i seriously don't deserve anything & i never expect any gifts for my birthday, all i want is a homemade card or something honestly. i'm so thankful for the friends i have who go above & beyond for me (ಥ_ಥ)

went to little tokyo to hang out with my friend nico to catch up since we haven't seen each other since anime expo 2016 LOL got some good shots as you can see above & yeah, it was chill. like these ledge pictures of me are pretty legit y'all~ LOL

took my little brother to go eat katsu at my favorite place, yoko because they got a really good kimchi cheese katsu & the soba is pretty good too!

lol doesn't this look like those aesthetic ig pictures haha saw bags of starwberry for sale at tokyo central, really reminds me of how they're sold in japan.

bday gifts from my dearest friend kayla~!!!

this month has been pretty good, anti-climatic i guess is what i feel towards aging up, since i'm now 22, i still duno what i'm doing with my life, but whatever, at this point i'm not like depressed thaaat much about it, i'm more just going along with the motions sorta thing. i hope this year i'll really find myself, travel & eat well. so let's go, 2017 start.