Anhedonia

 I don't understand why I'm still here honestly. My mom says I'm not a burden, but all I feel is that I am. My mom says she'll be sad if I die. My dad said I'm an adult if I choose to live or die is on me he doesn't care. So I guess mentally that's just encouraging me like oh so it really would be better if I wasn't around anymore. I feel like I'm just a stupid waste of space. I can't do anything right. I haven't had a proper job in a long time due to my brain being so stupid I can't function properly to even have a job honestly because I can't focus at all. I wish I was normal but I also wish I wasn't ever born because I didn't choose to be here. I keep telling my parents how easier their lives would be not having to deal with me anymore & how they could sell my things & live life comfortably without me but they keep telling me how selfish I'm being. How I'm threatening them by wanting to kill myself, when really I just see it as a solution to everything. If I wasn't around anymore the world would continue going on, nothing else. I know that. I think it's selfish everyone wants to keep me around honestly when I just want to stop hurting.

2026

 Hello my blog that i rarely update anymore honestly.. i feel like the internet isn't the same place it used to be back when this & my tumblr were my main internet addictions. everything crafted on the phone now is so manufactured now social media wise with how people "live" & such that we've really lost all the niche hobbies & individuality anymore. what have i been up to? i'm 31 years old now. if you've read my past then you know i was a very depressed child & i somehow have made it into adulthood as a depressed adult on anti depressants lol. nothing much else is new. life is still life-ing. honestly i feel like money would solve all of life's stress because debt be drowning lol. i just wanna help my family out. i'm still tired. i sleep so much. oh yeah i've lost a lot of weight, i was 256lbs & now i'm 173lbs lol anyways i'm hoping life turns around by the end of this year or else that 2027 will be a better year. i don't have much to look forward to rest of this year besides the BTS concert in september & maybe save up enough money to run off to Japan again where i can just turn my brain off & go breathe in the countryside again.

Kiss the Dawn Away: Tsubaki Iriyama

 It's been awhile since I've made an otome review on my blogspot LOL I still play otome games but I just haven't been reviewing them like LADS & other random ones I play on my switch & I still to this day play SLBP LOL but anyways I "bought" my first story on Love 365 in awhile & it was their new series "Kiss the Dawn Away" because I thought it seemed interesting & the ML was my type HAHA anyways let's get started on this review.

• it's a love choice series right now? I'm still not sure how those work because I personally just liked to straight up buy the stories on love365 so I was like what do you mean I have to buy hearts to get the choice I wanted to choose?? LOL like what happen to me just clicking yes I wanna run to Eisuke  for a happy ending & not the no I avoid him & get an ok ending?
• the whole sleeping with someone from work trope really reminded me of Irresistible Mistakes, except like they weren't really secretive about it 🤔 in this series like her homie *SPOILER* literally asked Tsubaki like DO YOU LIKE HER? DO YOU LOVE HER? At work & also her coworkers know?? Huh?
• There was foreshadowing of like the work drama which ngl half way I was like are they not gonna bring this up again but they squeezed everything in the end & that was interesting way to do that...
• I thought all the fwb parts were gonna be spicier? Maybe I'm so spoiled by how the spicy scenes have been in all the ikemen series & such that this felt very tamed?? In comparison LOL like it's there but not like as crazy as I thought it would've been I guess LOL
• TYPICAL OTOME GAME TROPE OF MISCOMMUNICATION like I get that's his & her personality types but like damn iono I thought maybe the issue would be something else maybe like I honestly feel like I could write fanfics stronger plots now a days than a repetitive plot (I don't want to delve in what I would write because please otome game companies hire me it's my dream to work at one not gonna lie I feel like if I said what plot etc I would do the plot idea would get stolen etc etc. ANYWAYS) 
• CG art was nice like wow I remember when MC used to NOT HAVE EYES in voltage inc stories LOL what a time to be alive
• There was cute parts forsure I enjoyed & the flow of the game was interesting? Like I thought the angst was gonna be stronger but we just had a cat like dude & a gen Z girl forsure because some of the dialogue clearly shows me this was written recently with the words / slang they'd used like "locked in" when describing how focused she was in her work LOL

2025

 Hello my blogspot, it's been quite awhile since I've updated.. I do have a lot of photos, ventures etc. from who knows when the last time I updated was but I guess most of it is now filmed for my YouTube or tiktok for the most part but also there's things I should still post pictures of on here like my photography from my travels but I've lost motivation honestly to consistently keep up with things like a blog, vlog or anything for that matter. I am now 30 years old, life is good but I'm still miserably depressed lol.. like I guess that never changes even throughout these years I'm honestly surprised I'm still here. I truly am just high functioning suicidal person. Think the word for it is passively suicidal but here I am. I'm surprised I've even made it to 30, quite a lot of things have happened for me, I was in a BTS documentary that premiered at big film festivals & even worldwide in theaters. I've attended lots of concerts & have experienced a lot honestly which I am truly thankful for still being alive to experience but it's like when the days are slow & quiet & my bank account is $0.23 I start to wonder like what am I still doing here? What's my purpose? Why do I feel so unproductive? Like I felt like at least few years I had things to do but now as we truly enter a big recession the worlds now pretty much in depression, like it's tiring & expensive to live. Just wish I could win the lottery & make sure my family & friends are all good & then I can truly rest in peace. Anyways, I don't wanna waste any of your time anymore on this yearly update of my blogspot I've been doing, so I wish you the best, have a nice day everyday & if you read this far thank you for keeping up with me~ see you next year probably ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2023

 Last year i literally said i was going to make a big post to sum up the whole year but i didn't end up doing that and now it's the end of 2023 lol not like anyone really reads this blog of mine but i'll always feel like i should update it cause it is like my online diary. of course i still am severely depressed & on anxiety meds that's not new to this blog of course. i'm still trying my best of course to keep trucking through this life.. i don't know what i'm doing with my life still & maybe i never will ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i'm 28 years old in this moment & i hope next year 2024 my last year of my 20's at 29 i'll find the peace in my heart, soul & mind hopefully but probably not lol thank you for keeping up with me if you still randomly do on this blog. hope you're well. have a nice day everyday~

Hello~

 i haven't been on here in awhile, probably because i haven't really touched my laptop in a year lol. if anyone does keep up with my public diary aka this blogspot, hello! i'm still alive! LOL but yeah i feel like i'll do one massive big post of 2022 soon~ it's been quite a year indeed.. life's a rollercoaster & we're still here on the ride. also thank you if you've been wondering or checking up on me here.

20211201/02 BTS Permission To Dance Concert in Los Angeles