Cold.

 I feel like my parents hate me or not really hate me because if they really did hate me I wouldn't be taken care of. I feel this awkward tension with them since I told them recently how I wanted to die again to be less of a burden in their life. What they don't know is that I attempted on June 18th & sadly failed & woke up June 19th still here.. they just feel so cold towards me lately.. not as talkative, not warm towards me anymore. It feels cold. Sometimes I wonder why god keeps letting me live no matter how many attempts. Why am I still here? I should've died in 2011 the first time I tried to die. All I've done lately is rot in bed, I'm too tired to do much anymore, this depression is weighing me down. Up'd my dosage of my antidepressants. Life doesn't feel normal right now & it sucks. I hate how cold they are towards me right now, but I guess that's part of growing up right? Everyone will just go on & live their own lives. I don't even want to be alive. I know my little cousins would be sad if I wasn't around anymore though.. so I guess I have to keep going for them. All I do is cry alone in my bed every night lately. I wish this feeling in my chest would go away. It's so cold.

Anhedonia

 I don't understand why I'm still here honestly. My mom says I'm not a burden, but all I feel is that I am. My mom says she'll be sad if I die. My dad said I'm an adult if I choose to live or die is on me he doesn't care. So I guess mentally that's just encouraging me like oh so it really would be better if I wasn't around anymore. I feel like I'm just a stupid waste of space. I can't do anything right. I haven't had a proper job in a long time due to my brain being so stupid I can't function properly to even have a job honestly because I can't focus at all. I wish I was normal but I also wish I wasn't ever born because I didn't choose to be here. I keep telling my parents how easier their lives would be not having to deal with me anymore & how they could sell my things & live life comfortably without me but they keep telling me how selfish I'm being. How I'm threatening them by wanting to kill myself, when really I just see it as a solution to everything. If I wasn't around anymore the world would continue going on, nothing else. I know that. I think it's selfish everyone wants to keep me around honestly when I just want to stop hurting.

2026

 Hello my blog that i rarely update anymore honestly.. i feel like the internet isn't the same place it used to be back when this & my tumblr were my main internet addictions. everything crafted on the phone now is so manufactured now social media wise with how people "live" & such that we've really lost all the niche hobbies & individuality anymore. what have i been up to? i'm 31 years old now. if you've read my past then you know i was a very depressed child & i somehow have made it into adulthood as a depressed adult on anti depressants lol. nothing much else is new. life is still life-ing. honestly i feel like money would solve all of life's stress because debt be drowning lol. i just wanna help my family out. i'm still tired. i sleep so much. oh yeah i've lost a lot of weight, i was 256lbs & now i'm 173lbs lol anyways i'm hoping life turns around by the end of this year or else that 2027 will be a better year. i don't have much to look forward to rest of this year besides the BTS concert in september & maybe save up enough money to run off to Japan again where i can just turn my brain off & go breathe in the countryside again.

Kiss the Dawn Away: Tsubaki Iriyama

 It's been awhile since I've made an otome review on my blogspot LOL I still play otome games but I just haven't been reviewing them like LADS & other random ones I play on my switch & I still to this day play SLBP LOL but anyways I "bought" my first story on Love 365 in awhile & it was their new series "Kiss the Dawn Away" because I thought it seemed interesting & the ML was my type HAHA anyways let's get started on this review.

• it's a love choice series right now? I'm still not sure how those work because I personally just liked to straight up buy the stories on love365 so I was like what do you mean I have to buy hearts to get the choice I wanted to choose?? LOL like what happen to me just clicking yes I wanna run to Eisuke  for a happy ending & not the no I avoid him & get an ok ending?
• the whole sleeping with someone from work trope really reminded me of Irresistible Mistakes, except like they weren't really secretive about it 🤔 in this series like her homie *SPOILER* literally asked Tsubaki like DO YOU LIKE HER? DO YOU LOVE HER? At work & also her coworkers know?? Huh?
• There was foreshadowing of like the work drama which ngl half way I was like are they not gonna bring this up again but they squeezed everything in the end & that was interesting way to do that...
• I thought all the fwb parts were gonna be spicier? Maybe I'm so spoiled by how the spicy scenes have been in all the ikemen series & such that this felt very tamed?? In comparison LOL like it's there but not like as crazy as I thought it would've been I guess LOL
• TYPICAL OTOME GAME TROPE OF MISCOMMUNICATION like I get that's his & her personality types but like damn iono I thought maybe the issue would be something else maybe like I honestly feel like I could write fanfics stronger plots now a days than a repetitive plot (I don't want to delve in what I would write because please otome game companies hire me it's my dream to work at one not gonna lie I feel like if I said what plot etc I would do the plot idea would get stolen etc etc. ANYWAYS) 
• CG art was nice like wow I remember when MC used to NOT HAVE EYES in voltage inc stories LOL what a time to be alive
• There was cute parts forsure I enjoyed & the flow of the game was interesting? Like I thought the angst was gonna be stronger but we just had a cat like dude & a gen Z girl forsure because some of the dialogue clearly shows me this was written recently with the words / slang they'd used like "locked in" when describing how focused she was in her work LOL

2025

 Hello my blogspot, it's been quite awhile since I've updated.. I do have a lot of photos, ventures etc. from who knows when the last time I updated was but I guess most of it is now filmed for my YouTube or tiktok for the most part but also there's things I should still post pictures of on here like my photography from my travels but I've lost motivation honestly to consistently keep up with things like a blog, vlog or anything for that matter. I am now 30 years old, life is good but I'm still miserably depressed lol.. like I guess that never changes even throughout these years I'm honestly surprised I'm still here. I truly am just high functioning suicidal person. Think the word for it is passively suicidal but here I am. I'm surprised I've even made it to 30, quite a lot of things have happened for me, I was in a BTS documentary that premiered at big film festivals & even worldwide in theaters. I've attended lots of concerts & have experienced a lot honestly which I am truly thankful for still being alive to experience but it's like when the days are slow & quiet & my bank account is $0.23 I start to wonder like what am I still doing here? What's my purpose? Why do I feel so unproductive? Like I felt like at least few years I had things to do but now as we truly enter a big recession the worlds now pretty much in depression, like it's tiring & expensive to live. Just wish I could win the lottery & make sure my family & friends are all good & then I can truly rest in peace. Anyways, I don't wanna waste any of your time anymore on this yearly update of my blogspot I've been doing, so I wish you the best, have a nice day everyday & if you read this far thank you for keeping up with me~ see you next year probably ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2023

 Last year i literally said i was going to make a big post to sum up the whole year but i didn't end up doing that and now it's the end of 2023 lol not like anyone really reads this blog of mine but i'll always feel like i should update it cause it is like my online diary. of course i still am severely depressed & on anxiety meds that's not new to this blog of course. i'm still trying my best of course to keep trucking through this life.. i don't know what i'm doing with my life still & maybe i never will ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i'm 28 years old in this moment & i hope next year 2024 my last year of my 20's at 29 i'll find the peace in my heart, soul & mind hopefully but probably not lol thank you for keeping up with me if you still randomly do on this blog. hope you're well. have a nice day everyday~

Hello~

 i haven't been on here in awhile, probably because i haven't really touched my laptop in a year lol. if anyone does keep up with my public diary aka this blogspot, hello! i'm still alive! LOL but yeah i feel like i'll do one massive big post of 2022 soon~ it's been quite a year indeed.. life's a rollercoaster & we're still here on the ride. also thank you if you've been wondering or checking up on me here.