Punching Bag.

 I'm aware I'm like an emotional punching bag for my mother. Things she can't say to my father she'll take it out on me. I just want to sleep forever. Told her how if I wasn't around anymore it would be easier for them all but she doesn't accept that. Don't know why they want to keep a useless person around. I'm so tired. I'm always so damn tired.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 “Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom… is realizing how small I am, & unwise, & how far I have yet to go” – Anthony Bourdain

Quiet.

I hope that if one day I lose this mental battle with myself that everyone who's ever known me will just forget about me. Forget I ever existed. Move on. Live happy lives & just forget I was ever here. I don't want to be remembered. I just want to disappear like I was never here. It's so quiet late at night like this.

Cold.

 I feel like my parents hate me or not really hate me because if they really did hate me I wouldn't be taken care of. I feel this awkward tension with them since I told them recently how I wanted to die again to be less of a burden in their life. What they don't know is that I attempted on June 18th & sadly failed & woke up June 19th still here.. they just feel so cold towards me lately.. not as talkative, not warm towards me anymore. It feels cold. Sometimes I wonder why god keeps letting me live no matter how many attempts. Why am I still here? I should've died in 2011 the first time I tried to die. All I've done lately is rot in bed, I'm too tired to do much anymore, this depression is weighing me down. Up'd my dosage of my antidepressants. Life doesn't feel normal right now & it sucks. I hate how cold they are towards me right now, but I guess that's part of growing up right? Everyone will just go on & live their own lives. I don't even want to be alive. I know my little cousins would be sad if I wasn't around anymore though.. so I guess I have to keep going for them. All I do is cry alone in my bed every night lately. I wish this feeling in my chest would go away. It's so cold.

Update: It's always my mom that goes back to "normal" when talking to me because in the end who else would she have to tell everything to. I know why they've been so strange around me. It's truly a recession indicator. This is truly a bad year.

Anhedonia.

 I don't understand why I'm still here honestly. My mom says I'm not a burden, but all I feel is that I am. My mom says she'll be sad if I die. My dad said I'm an adult if I choose to live or die is on me he doesn't care. So I guess mentally that's just encouraging me like oh so it really would be better if I wasn't around anymore. I feel like I'm just a stupid waste of space. I can't do anything right. I haven't had a proper job in a long time due to my brain being so stupid I can't function properly to even have a job honestly because I can't focus at all. I wish I was normal but I also wish I wasn't ever born because I didn't choose to be here. I keep telling my parents how easier their lives would be not having to deal with me anymore & how they could sell my things & live life comfortably without me but they keep telling me how selfish I'm being. How I'm threatening them by wanting to kill myself, when really I just see it as a solution to everything. If I wasn't around anymore the world would continue going on, nothing else. I know that. I think it's selfish everyone wants to keep me around honestly when I just want to stop hurting.

2026

 Hello my blog that i rarely update anymore honestly.. i feel like the internet isn't the same place it used to be back when this & my tumblr were my main internet addictions. everything crafted on the phone now is so manufactured now social media wise with how people "live" & such that we've really lost all the niche hobbies & individuality anymore. what have i been up to? i'm 31 years old now. if you've read my past then you know i was a very depressed child & i somehow have made it into adulthood as a depressed adult on anti depressants lol. nothing much else is new. life is still life-ing. honestly i feel like money would solve all of life's stress because debt be drowning lol. i just wanna help my family out. i'm still tired. i sleep so much. oh yeah i've lost a lot of weight, i was 256lbs & now i'm 173lbs lol anyways i'm hoping life turns around by the end of this year or else that 2027 will be a better year. i don't have much to look forward to rest of this year besides the BTS concert in september & maybe save up enough money to run off to Japan again where i can just turn my brain off & go breathe in the countryside again.

Kiss the Dawn Away: Tsubaki Iriyama

 It's been awhile since I've made an otome review on my blogspot LOL I still play otome games but I just haven't been reviewing them like LADS & other random ones I play on my switch & I still to this day play SLBP LOL but anyways I "bought" my first story on Love 365 in awhile & it was their new series "Kiss the Dawn Away" because I thought it seemed interesting & the ML was my type HAHA anyways let's get started on this review.

• it's a love choice series right now? I'm still not sure how those work because I personally just liked to straight up buy the stories on love365 so I was like what do you mean I have to buy hearts to get the choice I wanted to choose?? LOL like what happen to me just clicking yes I wanna run to Eisuke  for a happy ending & not the no I avoid him & get an ok ending?
• the whole sleeping with someone from work trope really reminded me of Irresistible Mistakes, except like they weren't really secretive about it 🤔 in this series like her homie *SPOILER* literally asked Tsubaki like DO YOU LIKE HER? DO YOU LOVE HER? At work & also her coworkers know?? Huh?
• There was foreshadowing of like the work drama which ngl half way I was like are they not gonna bring this up again but they squeezed everything in the end & that was interesting way to do that...
• I thought all the fwb parts were gonna be spicier? Maybe I'm so spoiled by how the spicy scenes have been in all the ikemen series & such that this felt very tamed?? In comparison LOL like it's there but not like as crazy as I thought it would've been I guess LOL
• TYPICAL OTOME GAME TROPE OF MISCOMMUNICATION like I get that's his & her personality types but like damn iono I thought maybe the issue would be something else maybe like I honestly feel like I could write fanfics stronger plots now a days than a repetitive plot (I don't want to delve in what I would write because please otome game companies hire me it's my dream to work at one not gonna lie I feel like if I said what plot etc I would do the plot idea would get stolen etc etc. ANYWAYS) 
• CG art was nice like wow I remember when MC used to NOT HAVE EYES in voltage inc stories LOL what a time to be alive
• There was cute parts forsure I enjoyed & the flow of the game was interesting? Like I thought the angst was gonna be stronger but we just had a cat like dude & a gen Z girl forsure because some of the dialogue clearly shows me this was written recently with the words / slang they'd used like "locked in" when describing how focused she was in her work LOL

2025

 Hello my blogspot, it's been quite awhile since I've updated.. I do have a lot of photos, ventures etc. from who knows when the last time I updated was but I guess most of it is now filmed for my YouTube or tiktok for the most part but also there's things I should still post pictures of on here like my photography from my travels but I've lost motivation honestly to consistently keep up with things like a blog, vlog or anything for that matter. I am now 30 years old, life is good but I'm still miserably depressed lol.. like I guess that never changes even throughout these years I'm honestly surprised I'm still here. I truly am just high functioning suicidal person. Think the word for it is passively suicidal but here I am. I'm surprised I've even made it to 30, quite a lot of things have happened for me, I was in a BTS documentary that premiered at big film festivals & even worldwide in theaters. I've attended lots of concerts & have experienced a lot honestly which I am truly thankful for still being alive to experience but it's like when the days are slow & quiet & my bank account is $0.23 I start to wonder like what am I still doing here? What's my purpose? Why do I feel so unproductive? Like I felt like at least few years I had things to do but now as we truly enter a big recession the worlds now pretty much in depression, like it's tiring & expensive to live. Just wish I could win the lottery & make sure my family & friends are all good & then I can truly rest in peace. Anyways, I don't wanna waste any of your time anymore on this yearly update of my blogspot I've been doing, so I wish you the best, have a nice day everyday & if you read this far thank you for keeping up with me~ see you next year probably ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2023

 Last year i literally said i was going to make a big post to sum up the whole year but i didn't end up doing that and now it's the end of 2023 lol not like anyone really reads this blog of mine but i'll always feel like i should update it cause it is like my online diary. of course i still am severely depressed & on anxiety meds that's not new to this blog of course. i'm still trying my best of course to keep trucking through this life.. i don't know what i'm doing with my life still & maybe i never will ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i'm 28 years old in this moment & i hope next year 2024 my last year of my 20's at 29 i'll find the peace in my heart, soul & mind hopefully but probably not lol thank you for keeping up with me if you still randomly do on this blog. hope you're well. have a nice day everyday~

Hello~

 i haven't been on here in awhile, probably because i haven't really touched my laptop in a year lol. if anyone does keep up with my public diary aka this blogspot, hello! i'm still alive! LOL but yeah i feel like i'll do one massive big post of 2022 soon~ it's been quite a year indeed.. life's a rollercoaster & we're still here on the ride. also thank you if you've been wondering or checking up on me here.

20211201/02 BTS Permission To Dance Concert in Los Angeles

☆(*⁰▿⁰*)ノ

K-Pop/KHH Concerts I’ve Attended:

• CNBLUE & FTISLAND “Stand Up” 2012 - Los Angeles
• SMTOWN 2012 - Anaheim
• KCON 2012 - Irvine
• Big Bang Alive Tour 2012 - Anaheim
• SBS Super Concert 2012 - Irvine
• Korea Times Music Festival 2013 Hollywood Bowl
• B.A.P Live On Earth 2013 - Los Angeles
• KCON 2013: Backstage Corporate VIP - Los Angeles
• 2AM NOCTURNE 2013 - Los Angeles
• U-KISS U.S TOUR 2014 - Los Angeles
• KBS LA Korea Festival 2014
• BTS SHOW & PROVE 2014
• KCON 2014: Backstage Corporate VIP - Los Angeles
• BTS HIGHLIGHT TOUR 2015: Autograph Session & Hi-Touch - SF
• 2016 Crush 크러쉬 On You Tour: Wonderlust - Los Angeles
• 20170324 Giriboy 기리보이 & Blacknut 블랙넛 - Los Angeles
• 20170402 BTS 방탄소년단 BANGTAN Wings - Anaheim
• 20171101 BeWhy 비와이: The Blind Star - Los Angeles
• 20171118 Just Music: We Effect - Los Angels
• 20171202 Illionaire Ambition: Dok2, The Quiett, Keem HyoEun, Hash Swan & Changmo: US Tour 2017
• 20180204 Astro 아스트로 Global Fan Meeting - Los Angeles
• 20180905/09 BTS 방탄소년단 Love Yourself - Los Angeles
• 20190126 AOMG Los Angeles Concert
• 20190504/05 BTS 방탄소년단 Speak Yourself - Los Angeles
• 20190626 Heize US/Canada Tour - Los Angeles
• 20190717 Twice ‘TWICELIGHTS’ in LA Concert
• 20191028 Hyolyn 효린 Busking @ Santa Monica Pier
• 20191201 Crucial Star 크루셜 스타 @ The Observatory
• 20211201/02 BTS 방탄소년단 Permission To Dance - Los Angeles

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idols/khh rappers i’ve met/stood near by haha:

• SHINee’s Key & Onew @ My Local Mall SCP smtown ‘12 weekend
• G.NA @ KCON 2012 Fansign Ticket Pass
• SNSD, BEAST, CNBLUE, KARA & Sistar @ BCD Tofu House
• EXO, F(x), Henry Lau, 2AM, Dynamic Duo, G-Dragon & Teen Top @ kcon 2013 Backstage Corporate VIP Access
• BTS 방탄소년단 BANGTAN, SNSD, Jung Joon Young & Eric Nam @ kcon 2014 Backstage All Access VIP Pass
• BTS Autograph Session & Hi-Touch @ BTS Highlight Tour SF 2015
• Crush 크러쉬 - connection to the venue the concert was held at & was able to attend his LA show for free, watched him rehearse a bit, met him, took picture with him & sat with his production staff during show 
• Giriboy 기리보이 & Blacknut 블랙넛 - connection to venue show was held at, backstage access, watched rehearsals, met them in their waiting room, selfies & autograph personalized to me, name written by giriboy~
• BeWhy 비와이 - connection to the venue the concert was held at & i was able to meet him backstage after his show
• Giriboy 기리보이, Cjamm 씨잼, Blacknut 블랙넛, Swings 스윙스, Bill Stax 빌스택스, Han Yohan 한요한, Goretexx 박성진 - connection to the venue the concert was held at, met them before the we effect concert backstage. Walked by me, Nochang 천재노창 & Osshun Gum 최하민.
• Astro 아스트로 M&G photo, Moonbin 문빈, Eunwoo 차은우, Rocky 라키, Sanha 산하, MJ & JinJin 진진
• Jay Park 박재범 @ Sprint X TIDAL Shop Event
• Loco, Simon D, Gray @ AOMG connection to the venue the concert was held at & i was able to meet them backstage after the show
• Hyolyn 효린 @ Santa Monica Pier after her busking
• Crucial Star 크루셜 스타 @ The Observatory after his performance

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Auditioned: (6x) SM (1x) YG (1x) JYP (2x) Cube (1x) Pledis (1x) FNC (1x) Starship

KRAPSYK GOES TO: Oʻahu, Hawaiʻi 2021

 

May 22nd 2021 ☁

 wow i feel like i haven't updated this online journal of mine in a long while.. like it's truly been just a place to dump photos from my phone & such.. but i felt like it's time i update everyone again in words & not just pictures.

anything new? not really.. we've been in a pandemic since March of 2020.. honestly it's crazy to think about how things will never be the same from pre-covid times, but on a plus side everyone will be cleaner now & that's something i like as a really clean ocd person who washes their hands so often. i also enjoy wearing masks because it was normal in asia & now i don't really have to worry about wearing makeup etc. also masks are very stylish now too haha, i have so many pretty ones tbh. i feel like i'm the very few people who still cares about being careful & not going out often, because i'm paranoid about getting covid because even being vaccinated isn't 100% either.. but everyone else has kinda pretty much gone back to "normal" in a sense.. it really sucks caring so much.

speaking of caring.. my emotional mental health has been shit this month lol constantly still wanting to unalive myself / thoughts of it, but like it's not like i want to die, i just don't want to live, but i will continue to find purposes to continue on. like my family & friends for example even if my family is one of my biggest triggers when they're not considerate of how they actually hurt my feelings at times lol but whatever the struggles of an asian american juggling intergenerational traumas while healing my inner child all at the same time~ i'm really thankful for the solid friends i have now a days.. like seriously it makes me wanna cry just thinking how much they genuinely care about me. my little cousins who dearly love me & an understanding psychiatrist & paxil pills help too lol

i look back at old posts of mine in my younger years & truly the dark clouds of depression & anxiety hasn't left me at all for a long time now, but that's just living with it as a high functioning person that people forget i have a cloud over me too.

i'm 26 now. things i've been doing? arts & craft to mindlessly do something to distract myself when the overwhelming feeling of anxiety washes heavy over me. listening to music like mitski. i still enjoy photography when i am able to go take photos of sceneries & random views from my POV. i think that's one major thing i miss about traveling is sceneries, unique architectural structures, etc. i feel like lately i've been just regressing back to things i enjoyed as a kid too like tenfold than usual. like yes, i like anime & manga but now i read & watch it even more & collecting relics of my childhood like bananas in pajamas, the big comfy couch, pokemon snap & such.

things i wanna say to my future self who will read this: i hope you didn't yeet yourself lol i hope you're happy even if it's just less sadness, i hope you found some more reasons to continue this life journey. i hope we don't wake up sad as much & i hope you've had more fun in the future now instead of laying in bed most days crying. keep going, we have things to do that we don't know about yet. places & people we've yet seen or met & more memories to make with loved ones. i love you always. - Kaitlyn (2021 age 26)

I Love Saizo Kirigakure Forever 😭💖🍡🌸

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if you’ve been following me for a long ass time, you’d know Saizo Kirigakure is my number 1 otome husbando forever~💖LOL so after searching for his official body pillow since 2016 😭 i finally found it & was able to buy it brand new in the plastic packaging & everything 🥲!! i feel like it completes my Saizo Shrine a bit more (honestly it’s so hard to find & buy saizo merch being outside of Japan) since there’s still a lot i don’t have 😅💸 so yeah here’s my Saizo Shrine & close up picture of the body pillow 🌸🍡

Goodbye 2020

 Usually by the time it hits the end of the year especially towards NYE, i'd write about how much ups & downs of the year i've had. what i've learned, things to be thankful for etc. but honestly because this year has been such a strange one with the pandemic, staying home even more so than usual & not really doing much, i don't really have much to write out besides i'm thankful for my family & friends health during this time living in 2020 when this deadass will be in the history books of how covid-19 really changed the whole world. things really won't ever be the same as pre-covid & it's super crazy to be living through this time in life. i have very low expectations & goals for 2021 honestly, like whatever happens, happens. i hope everyone stays happy, healthy & safe~♡

December 2020

October 2020

 wow i haven't blogged on here since May.. that's like 5 months LOL.. i guess because of the pandemic this year it doesn't really feel like i've done much.. so there isn't much to blog about & i've really just been internet shopping away & going through ups & downs of my emotions per usual.. & yeah.. so it just feels like there wasn't much worth blogging? this year hasn't really felt like productive or anything really.. it's just been a sad year in general. i hope 2021 will be better, that tbh might be the next time i truly blog, i'll probably photo dump some stuff i've bought throughout these last few months soon too. maybe get back into otome game reviewing on this blog again too.. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i hope everyone's been staying safe, wearing a mask & just staying afloat too. - K

May 2020

Final Fantasy VII Remake Ultimania

LOL omg Lucky pls.. always breaking the 4th wall 😳

caught the 3:33am 👽transmission

some of my favorite villagers 😊

Lucky is my all time favorite villager 😭❤️ best buddies forever!

Animal Crossing: New Horizons

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so i grew up playing animal crossing on the game cube back in the day all the way through the DS lite to the 3DS & when they announced it for the switch i was so hyped.. like y'all don't understand this game just gives me so much happiness in my heart but yeah i had to pre-order the special edition of the switch for it of course & like this has all i've been playing mostly besides hopping back onto my ps4 for FF7R & RE3 but even then i've probably put more hours into animal crossing because it's literally been the only way during quarantine right now to see my friends too LOL yes this is a 2020 post, i'll probably read back to this in the future like damn.. the year i didn't leave the house but at least i had animal crossing 😂 anyways, if you want a game to just escape & feel good & have cute little animal friends with quirky personalties & just a great wholesome game to be creative, then yes, play animal crossing. above is just my random screenshots from my gameplay~