so i haven't gotten personal on my blog like i used to before, about my personal feelings, etc. i made this blog more focused on other things but recently i tried to die, again.
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now i know what you're thinking, as what my family thinks too "you have a good life, why would you want to kill yourself, you have everything!" my life & my depression are two separate things. i don't understand why they never understand that & in the past when i've had these sudden episodes where i finally break down & try to die, i always get the same thing said to me, that they don't think there's a reason why i should be depressed.
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they think i don't appreciate my life, that i'm grateful & they think i'm just selfish.
1. i do appreciate my life, i am thankful for everything in my life. i truly am.
2. if i had a broken arm, you would probably feel bad right? but i have a broken brain.
3. selfish, i probably am for wanting to end the pain inside sometimes.
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i've gone to therapists, i've gone to psychiatrists, i've been on anti-depressants, i've been diagnosed with clinical depression & bipolar II, but you know what? in the asian world, that's not real, being depressed isn't real, it's just "acting up" in the asian world you're just a stigma. you're just bringing up issues & you're just bothering everyone with a "not real" problem. if i'm it's not physically shown i'm in pain, then it's not a real problem.
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well, i'm sorry family. i'm sorry that depression is the monster that lives in my head. my depression stays dormant for awhile because i learned to pretend to be okay to get through every day. depression is that dark cloud that hangs over me even when everything is going great. depression is the inner demon that tells me i'm a horrible person. DEPRESSION IS THE DEMON THAT TELLS ME EVERYONE WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME AROUND. DEPRESSION IS ME, I AM DEPRESSED! DEPRESSION IS REAL & IT'S IN MY HEAD. it's a part of me, it doesn't just magically go away just because i've been okay for awhile. it's always here. depression is a person sharing space in my head with me, that i can't kick out. depression isn't just when i am sad & everything is going wrong, depression is there when everything is going right & everything is great. that's what my depression is, that's what's hurting inside.
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my life & my depression does not correlate, they both have nothing to do with each other, it's the two lives that separately live & sometimes the bad one of my depression will have an episode within my real life & suddenly everyone thinks i'm just crazy. i'm tired. "my depression makes me emotionally tired, but i will continue to put up a front, i will continue to try my best to be strong & keep the depression at bay, because if i don't everyone just wants to send me away." nobody wants to deal with an issue they don't understand. nobody sees suffering, they just see a problem.
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mental health isn't talked about enough. mental health isn't explained well. it's a damn chemical imbalance in my brain! depression can kill someone every 30seconds, i read that statistic & heard it in a TEDxTalks video. to my fellow asian brothers & sisters, going through this same shit or honestly to anyone going through this with nobody around them understanding, please get help if you can, find a good therapist or at least some good friends to talk this out with. please keep trying & please don't die. if i'm still trying, you need to too. if we're still breathing, we have to keep trying.. please god, whoever's overseeing this life, keep giving me the strength to keep going if i'm still meant to be here, because i still have shit to do, the world to travel & see. i'll be going to therapy again soon y'all & i hope she can explain to my family about mental health, depression & how it's my mental health & it has nothing to do with my great life.
my life ≠ depression ✗
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from the kdrama: it's okay, that's love.
from american mystery drama: twin peaks
