"how do you know when you've failed at suicide? you wake up.." - a tweet i posted a week or two ago.

wow i fucking hate myself. i didn't think i'd have a triggered break down at 6 in the morning.. but here i am. i seriously am so useless. i would talk to friends about stuff at times like this, but i think i'm done with talking about my depression & anxiety with people. i seriously do not want to be any more of a burden on anyone, so i type here on my blog that i'm pretty sure people barely read cause where else can i really just cry out how i feel. every day i feel like i fake looking happy, i try to distract myself by doing idk random stuff just to not think about how inside i'm dying. i want to die so badly, sooo sooo badly. i don't know why i'm here in this life. i don't see any purpose for my existence at all. but actually maybe it's not that i want to die.. maybe i'm just dying to live.. i just want to feel something other than this shitty feeling. i know, i have a great life, no worries, nothing.. but that's the thing. i don't' think of me, as a person & my life as one thing. it's so disassociated/seperate with one another. i have a good life, but i'm a horrible person. why am i horrible person? no reason at all, i just don't like myself & i don't know why at all. everyone tells me i'm so nice, i'm kind, etc. etc. but i don't feel it, at all. i wish all this pain inside me could just be taken out of me. i just want to be happy.. i'm only 21.. there's such a long time more to go & i want to continue this life journey with everyone, but it's so hard when i feel like this almost everyday. i just want to be happy. i just want to feel better. cause i'm so mentally ill. like my brother has said to me, god gave me boon: of luck but the bane: of being mentally unstable. what am i living for: my family? my friends? i don't know. am i living for myself? not really, everything separated from me in my head, me & this life are two different things, i'm just watching this person live out life, while i make her breakdown & cry when i'm suddenly triggered.

Samurai Love Ballad Party: Kirigakure Saizo

*CAN'T POST YA CG'S FROM THIS GAME OK IT'S A RULE!-

no spoiling because tbh it's a free voltage inc app y'all should really play! there's so many guys to choose from too! but yeah saizo, god damn, hit me right in the feels. he's so my type ;__; & gah i just loved this route sooo much... like it's going to be hard to play another LOL it was a rollercoaster of a read, but i loved it~ i could've picked yukimura honestly cause he's an angel, but saizo man.. on point. probably will play yukimura's route next tho~ goal it to play them all haha the samurai love ballad app is real cute, i like how i can add my friends & decorate a castle & my own character! i am obsessed with this app rn!

My Last First Kiss: Makoto Morimachi Season 2: Sweet Memories & A Kiss To Remember

i don't wanna spoil anything, so i won't quick summary anything at all. all i gots to say is these stories are so worth the $1.99 each!! OH MY GOD -fans my self- lord.. the smut though??? like.. i thought i was reading a fanfic for second there in these stories.. damn. these were so worth, EXCEPT I DON'T LIKE HOW THE LAST CG THERE MC AIN'T GOT NO EYES! other than that, these two stories were good.. i loved it.. i didn't buy his POV, i never do, so i don't ever get the compilation bonus cg, sorry y'all )': but yeah, 8.5/10 i recommend get mako's route season 2 fosho~ damn like even his s1 was good! y'all sleeping on him!

free cg from buying these two stories~

Perks of an annual pass holder~ some disney characters!

i've met like 3 different peter pans now LOL

pluto always so cute & entertaining

chewy was so sweet omg ;__; luv him!

LOL I CALLED KYLO REN, BEN SOLO & HE WAS LIKE !?

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i really love the whole in character that the cast members stick to & the magical feeling of being at disneyland where idk i just love that feeling of being a kid again there.

Our Two Bedroom Story: Minato Okouchi

Season 1: so as usual i would pick the "main guy" bc i like those mean beginnings i guess or that whole teasing relationship where they started out like not thinking they'd end up together but then fall in love LOL idk i like how the MC in OTBS is more strong willed & talks back. i also like how the MC "changes" minato to be the guy he is now~ ah.. i just love characters like him & how they develop.

Season 2: was like a testing their relationship type season. but nothing too dramatic.. like i like that? because the mc & minato trust each other so much & it's like nothing can get in the way of this power couple no matter what drama is thrown at them.. i don't think i mentioned it in s1, but yeah he calls her pommy & treats her like a dog sometimes.. LOL ANYWAYS.. that is more often as the season goes & course this one was them getting engaged then having to live with the other co workers for awhile.

Season 3: was pretty boring so far..? like nothing too dramatic.. everything just happens so fast. yah it's cute how minato is more open about his love for the MC but literally thats only like two chapters then the rest is like random stuff.. oh! & i love how shusei is minato's best friend so he shows up so often, their bickering is cute. i know there's gonna be another main story & epilogue soon & i hope it really brings on the drama to minato's route. like when they tell everyone about their relationship.. even though like i feel like everyone pretty much knows now... LOL so obvious.

Macross Frontier Shikishi Art Board: Memory of Frontier

i bought the entire box they had left at mitsuwa of the macross frontier shikishi art board box. i only got 1 double of what i got last time, but even so, i love it~ so would keep it haha when i got alto though i was like damn! this a secret rare or what haha!

Myers Briggs Test: ENFJ-T

so i took the myers briggs test finally, i feel super late on this hype, but i did it cause my friend told me to & i took it on this site & got ENFJ-T, after reading it i was like ah, sounds kinda like me haha fun to know i guess & it really tells what kind of person you are.