anything new? not really.. we've been in a pandemic since March of 2020.. honestly it's crazy to think about how things will never be the same from pre-covid times, but on a plus side everyone will be cleaner now & that's something i like as a really clean ocd person who washes their hands so often. i also enjoy wearing masks because it was normal in asia & now i don't really have to worry about wearing makeup etc. also masks are very stylish now too haha, i have so many pretty ones tbh. i feel like i'm the very few people who still cares about being careful & not going out often, because i'm paranoid about getting covid because even being vaccinated isn't 100% either.. but everyone else has kinda pretty much gone back to "normal" in a sense.. it really sucks caring so much.
speaking of caring.. my emotional mental health has been shit this month lol constantly still wanting to unalive myself / thoughts of it, but like it's not like i want to die, i just don't want to live, but i will continue to find purposes to continue on. like my family & friends for example even if my family is one of my biggest triggers when they're not considerate of how they actually hurt my feelings at times lol but whatever the struggles of an asian american juggling intergenerational traumas while healing my inner child all at the same time~ i'm really thankful for the solid friends i have now a days.. like seriously it makes me wanna cry just thinking how much they genuinely care about me. my little cousins who dearly love me & an understanding psychiatrist & paxil pills help too lol
i look back at old posts of mine in my younger years & truly the dark clouds of depression & anxiety hasn't left me at all for a long time now, but that's just living with it as a high functioning person that people forget i have a cloud over me too.
i'm 26 now. things i've been doing? arts & craft to mindlessly do something to distract myself when the overwhelming feeling of anxiety washes heavy over me. listening to music like mitski. i still enjoy photography when i am able to go take photos of sceneries & random views from my POV. i think that's one major thing i miss about traveling is sceneries, unique architectural structures, etc. i feel like lately i've been just regressing back to things i enjoyed as a kid too like tenfold than usual. like yes, i like anime & manga but now i read & watch it even more & collecting relics of my childhood like bananas in pajamas, the big comfy couch, pokemon snap & such.
things i wanna say to my future self who will read this: i hope you didn't yeet yourself lol i hope you're happy even if it's just less sadness, i hope you found some more reasons to continue this life journey. i hope we don't wake up sad as much & i hope you've had more fun in the future now instead of laying in bed most days crying. keep going, we have things to do that we don't know about yet. places & people we've yet seen or met & more memories to make with loved ones. i love you always. - Kaitlyn (2021 age 26)
