Anhedonia

 I don't understand why I'm still here honestly. My mom says I'm not a burden, but all I feel is that I am. My mom says she'll be sad if I die. My dad said I'm an adult if I choose to live or die is on me he doesn't care. So I guess mentally that's just encouraging me like oh so it really would be better if I wasn't around anymore. I feel like I'm just a stupid waste of space. I can't do anything right. I haven't had a proper job in a long time due to my brain being so stupid I can't function properly to even have a job honestly because I can't focus at all. I wish I was normal but I also wish I wasn't ever born because I didn't choose to be here. I keep telling my parents how easier their lives would be not having to deal with me anymore & how they could sell my things & live life comfortably without me but they keep telling me how selfish I'm being. How I'm threatening them by wanting to kill myself, when really I just see it as a solution to everything. If I wasn't around anymore the world would continue going on, nothing else. I know that. I think it's selfish everyone wants to keep me around honestly when I just want to stop hurting.

2026

 Hello my blog that i rarely update anymore honestly.. i feel like the internet isn't the same place it used to be back when this & my tumblr were my main internet addictions. everything crafted on the phone now is so manufactured now social media wise with how people "live" & such that we've really lost all the niche hobbies & individuality anymore. what have i been up to? i'm 31 years old now. if you've read my past then you know i was a very depressed child & i somehow have made it into adulthood as a depressed adult on anti depressants lol. nothing much else is new. life is still life-ing. honestly i feel like money would solve all of life's stress because debt be drowning lol. i just wanna help my family out. i'm still tired. i sleep so much. oh yeah i've lost a lot of weight, i was 256lbs & now i'm 173lbs lol anyways i'm hoping life turns around by the end of this year or else that 2027 will be a better year. i don't have much to look forward to rest of this year besides the BTS concert in september & maybe save up enough money to run off to Japan again where i can just turn my brain off & go breathe in the countryside again.