Cold.

 I feel like my parents hate me or not really hate me because if they really did hate me I wouldn't be taken care of. I feel this awkward tension with them since I told them recently how I wanted to die again to be less of a burden in their life. What they don't know is that I attempted on June 18th & sadly failed & woke up June 19th still here.. they just feel so cold towards me lately.. not as talkative, not warm towards me anymore. It feels cold. Sometimes I wonder why god keeps letting me live no matter how many attempts. Why am I still here? I should've died in 2011 the first time I tried to die. All I've done lately is rot in bed, I'm too tired to do much anymore, this depression is weighing me down. Up'd my dosage of my antidepressants. Life doesn't feel normal right now & it sucks. I hate how cold they are towards me right now, but I guess that's part of growing up right? Everyone will just go on & live their own lives. I don't even want to be alive. I know my little cousins would be sad if I wasn't around anymore though.. so I guess I have to keep going for them. All I do is cry alone in my bed every night lately. I wish this feeling in my chest would go away. It's so cold.

Anhedonia

 I don't understand why I'm still here honestly. My mom says I'm not a burden, but all I feel is that I am. My mom says she'll be sad if I die. My dad said I'm an adult if I choose to live or die is on me he doesn't care. So I guess mentally that's just encouraging me like oh so it really would be better if I wasn't around anymore. I feel like I'm just a stupid waste of space. I can't do anything right. I haven't had a proper job in a long time due to my brain being so stupid I can't function properly to even have a job honestly because I can't focus at all. I wish I was normal but I also wish I wasn't ever born because I didn't choose to be here. I keep telling my parents how easier their lives would be not having to deal with me anymore & how they could sell my things & live life comfortably without me but they keep telling me how selfish I'm being. How I'm threatening them by wanting to kill myself, when really I just see it as a solution to everything. If I wasn't around anymore the world would continue going on, nothing else. I know that. I think it's selfish everyone wants to keep me around honestly when I just want to stop hurting.

2026

 Hello my blog that i rarely update anymore honestly.. i feel like the internet isn't the same place it used to be back when this & my tumblr were my main internet addictions. everything crafted on the phone now is so manufactured now social media wise with how people "live" & such that we've really lost all the niche hobbies & individuality anymore. what have i been up to? i'm 31 years old now. if you've read my past then you know i was a very depressed child & i somehow have made it into adulthood as a depressed adult on anti depressants lol. nothing much else is new. life is still life-ing. honestly i feel like money would solve all of life's stress because debt be drowning lol. i just wanna help my family out. i'm still tired. i sleep so much. oh yeah i've lost a lot of weight, i was 256lbs & now i'm 173lbs lol anyways i'm hoping life turns around by the end of this year or else that 2027 will be a better year. i don't have much to look forward to rest of this year besides the BTS concert in september & maybe save up enough money to run off to Japan again where i can just turn my brain off & go breathe in the countryside again.