wow i fucking hate myself. i didn't think i'd have a triggered break down at 6 in the morning.. but here i am. i seriously am so useless. i would talk to friends about stuff at times like this, but i think i'm done with talking about my depression & anxiety with people. i seriously do not want to be any more of a burden on anyone, so i type here on my blog that i'm pretty sure people barely read cause where else can i really just cry out how i feel. every day i feel like i fake looking happy, i try to distract myself by doing idk random stuff just to not think about how inside i'm dying. i want to die so badly, sooo sooo badly. i don't know why i'm here in this life. i don't see any purpose for my existence at all. but actually maybe it's not that i want to die.. maybe i'm just dying to live.. i just want to feel something other than this shitty feeling. i know, i have a great life, no worries, nothing.. but that's the thing. i don't' think of me, as a person & my life as one thing. it's so disassociated/seperate with one another. i have a good life, but i'm a horrible person. why am i horrible person? no reason at all, i just don't like myself & i don't know why at all. everyone tells me i'm so nice, i'm kind, etc. etc. but i don't feel it, at all. i wish all this pain inside me could just be taken out of me. i just want to be happy.. i'm only 21.. there's such a long time more to go & i want to continue this life journey with everyone, but it's so hard when i feel like this almost everyday. i just want to be happy. i just want to feel better. cause i'm so mentally ill. like my brother has said to me, god gave me boon: of luck but the bane: of being mentally unstable. what am i living for: my family? my friends? i don't know. am i living for myself? not really, everything separated from me in my head, me & this life are two different things, i'm just watching this person live out life, while i make her breakdown & cry when i'm suddenly triggered.
