20160713.

well, it seems like how i feel will always be invalid to everyone around me. even if i'm reminded by my doctors & others that my feelings are valid, the people who mean the most to me, my family, do not see my feelings as valid. nobody really gets, even if i decide i want to live on this life, i'll always internally feel depressed. depression just doesn't go away.. i don't know why they don't understand that. i'm also diagnosed with bipolar 2.. so obviously having these manic episodes is normal, but supposedly all these episodes i have is putting my family through hell, so i might as well keep it all inside & not talk about how i feel anymore, except to the therapist i have to see now.. yeah, that's what's going on now, i have to not only see a psychiatrist for my meds, but a therapist to talk about how i want to die all the time. to sum this up, i just want to get away from my own thoughts, everyone thinks i'm not admitting that i'm sad because of how my life is, but i do admit it, I FUCKING TELL EVERYONE HOW SHITTY I FUCKING FEEL EVERY FUCKING DAY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE GOALS OR A PURPOSE TO LIVE, yet everyone thinks i deny this? i don't fucking deny it at ALL! -rolls my eyes so hard i have a headache- nobody fucking listens to anything i say because they all don't understand anything at all. nobody around me understands what it's like to live like this & when they think they do, they're just adding on to more reasons in my head to just end it all. i keep getting told if i die, i'll have to repeat this life, but probably a shittier one. I DISASSOCIATE SO MUCH THAT I DON'T SEE ME & MY LIFE AS ONE, I SEE IT AS 2 SEPARATE THINGS. me, is a shitty person; while my life is a good one. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THAT AT ALL, I KEEP SAYING IT SINCE I WAS 16 & NOBODY STILL UNDERSTANDS THAT WHEN I SAY IT. I'M BIPOLAR & IT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE TAKEN SO LIGHTLY YET LITERALLY I FEEL LIKE NOBODY FUCKING CARES ANYWAY, SO I'M BLOGGING IT HERE WHERE I CAN JUST TYPE OUT ALL THESE THOUGHTS. what's the point anymore really. i won't remember this life if i die. part of me wants to live & do stuff while the other part of me just wants to end this pain that part is feeling. why the fuck do i exist? i don't even believe in god at this point of my life anymore.. honestly is there even a god? if so, why won't you let me die.
-

*this video describes my feelings put into words way better than i can put together without getting jumbled up & crying like me. after this video, i feel less alone w/ this feeling, pls watch!

My Last First Kiss: Sub Story: ~Takamune~ Everything Before Us

i always love to read these everything before us stories because it just takes you back to showing how long the guys have loved the mc.. like so much emotional feels knowing even in their younger years, mc is the main girl in all their lives ;___; ! taka being shy & such, it's like mc is the only girl he's comfortable around but of course ayato is his best friend & he knows those two have a even stronger bond.. it's like ughh so much feelings everywhere & knowing how all the other guys also inside care about mc too.. it's like IF JUST ONE OF THEM HAD SAID SOMETHING & BEEN MORE OPEN BACK THEN.. but really everything worked out for the best later on for each guy's route with the mc since in a sense they are all more mature now & open up in the end more once you've played their full main story routes, but yeah i just love reading these.. i've literally bought almost all the sub stories... just realized that. yung taka the sideline buddy of ayato ;__; ughh my feels..

My Last First Kiss: Summer Love Adventure Campaign: Takamune Kitami & Riku Morimachi

so MLFK started this Summer Love Adventure Campaign if you bought like literally all the stories & such, i usually never buy the guy's POV's thus not able to get like ayato's or mako's.. but strangely i've unlocked taka's without buying his POV & riku's i actually did buy as we all know from my post about his route & the completion picture i wanted haha. anyways nice surprise that i got ot unlock two of these cute summer stories~

-

Takamune Kitami: super cute, he's so much more affectionate now, like literally kissing the mc whenever he wants type thing & they're just more couple-y feel! i love this side of him.

Riku Morimachi: riku ugh just like taka he does as he pleases & i like how close they get & it makes her heart beat so much.. he subtly teases & idk it gets you blushing like crazy.

Anime Expo 2016

as you all know i love playing voltage inc otome games... like no shit, i type up my reviews on the stories here on my blog, but yeah i was excited to go to anime expo this year mainly to get the merch! ah! $160 later.. & here's my now voltage inc merch LOL

the most important purchase item, this eisuke body pillow *0*

the bag they had prepared for all my stuff in.

they gave me 5 of these bags bc i bought so much haha

-

overall, anime expo was fun! kicking it with old & new friends & just enjoying all the anime fun i got to see. also cosplaying is always fun, a lil awk for me every time someone asks for a picture, but yeah haha only went one day per usual, hopefully one day will go all 4 days & have things more planned out. till next year anime expo~!

*update, got to go on monday july 4th, bc my brother had a extra pass LOL bought lotta prints today & stickers! ran into & kicked it with homies today too (:

KRAPSYK GOES TO: Seattle, Washington

so.. i went to seattle for a little over 24hrs.. last time i was here i was 10 & idk i guess being little it was more exciting? because back then i drove a boat around lake washington, stayed at a mansion next to the lake, etc. this time around.. pretty boring haha not gonna lie. probably won't be coming back here anytime soon again, but it did make me appreciate where i'm from SoCal & the other places i've gone. i'm truly more of a city girl like LA, SF, NY & such haha. welp that's all folks! vlog of this is below~

Our Two Bedroom Story: Minato Okouchi Season 3: Three is a Crowd

the summary they give you is literally the entire story LOL it was a fun read when you get to the end or all the times minato shows he's jealous. *spoiler* when all your co workers are helping you get away from the prince, i thought was real cute, i always love it when all the main characters are like together in a situation & such. when everyone then has been standing near by when minato talks about how much he loves you was really funny LOL but yeah in the end, now all the co workers know that mc & minato are engaged~ the first cg is so cute, i was like aw blushing minato! but yeah i'll always love the bickering between minato & mc in this game haha also tsumie is a cutie too he's always there for the couple.

Burger King: Mac N' Cheetos

finally got my hands on burger king's limited item of the mac n' cheetos

made a mukbang of eating it where you'll get my review of it~