20160713.

well, it seems like how i feel will always be invalid to everyone around me. even if i'm reminded by my doctors & others that my feelings are valid, the people who mean the most to me, my family, do not see my feelings as valid. nobody really gets, even if i decide i want to live on this life, i'll always internally feel depressed. depression just doesn't go away.. i don't know why they don't understand that. i'm also diagnosed with bipolar 2.. so obviously having these manic episodes is normal, but supposedly all these episodes i have is putting my family through hell, so i might as well keep it all inside & not talk about how i feel anymore, except to the therapist i have to see now.. yeah, that's what's going on now, i have to not only see a psychiatrist for my meds, but a therapist to talk about how i want to die all the time. to sum this up, i just want to get away from my own thoughts, everyone thinks i'm not admitting that i'm sad because of how my life is, but i do admit it, I FUCKING TELL EVERYONE HOW SHITTY I FUCKING FEEL EVERY FUCKING DAY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE GOALS OR A PURPOSE TO LIVE, yet everyone thinks i deny this? i don't fucking deny it at ALL! -rolls my eyes so hard i have a headache- nobody fucking listens to anything i say because they all don't understand anything at all. nobody around me understands what it's like to live like this & when they think they do, they're just adding on to more reasons in my head to just end it all. i keep getting told if i die, i'll have to repeat this life, but probably a shittier one. I DISASSOCIATE SO MUCH THAT I DON'T SEE ME & MY LIFE AS ONE, I SEE IT AS 2 SEPARATE THINGS. me, is a shitty person; while my life is a good one. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THAT AT ALL, I KEEP SAYING IT SINCE I WAS 16 & NOBODY STILL UNDERSTANDS THAT WHEN I SAY IT. I'M BIPOLAR & IT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE TAKEN SO LIGHTLY YET LITERALLY I FEEL LIKE NOBODY FUCKING CARES ANYWAY, SO I'M BLOGGING IT HERE WHERE I CAN JUST TYPE OUT ALL THESE THOUGHTS. what's the point anymore really. i won't remember this life if i die. part of me wants to live & do stuff while the other part of me just wants to end this pain that part is feeling. why the fuck do i exist? i don't even believe in god at this point of my life anymore.. honestly is there even a god? if so, why won't you let me die.
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*this video describes my feelings put into words way better than i can put together without getting jumbled up & crying like me. after this video, i feel less alone w/ this feeling, pls watch!