hello... it's me.

160118.

so last night my parents triggered my suicidal thoughts again. firstly, i've been okay, happy & accepting that i am more on the chubbier side of the body spectrum, but i never saw anything wrong with it. things that trigger me are my weight & asking me what i'm doing with my life, etc. so since that was brought up, telling me i'm lazy & making excuses to not go to the gym, my thoughts were really? like honestly? they don't know how it feels to be me everyday feeling stressed out as it is already.. there are more important things i'm stressed out about right now honestly! so i left & went home to cry, i cried while driving, which i hate doing because honestly. my brother asked me why i was crying & i told him & he ended up lecturing me telling me shit about how if i'm okay with how i am then i wouldn't have reacted but honestly if you're called a pig all your life & told how you would look better slimmer, you would feel the pain of the words, he went on to tell me how he doesn't give a shit about what people say about him & i'm like well that's good for you, but i'm not you & i care about every fucking thing.. which was honestly the turning point of wanting to die because he told me i do this all the time, my typical escape from this world is just wanting to die. i can't even talk to my own family about how i feel & it's sad that sometimes my friends who comfort me through most of these suicide incidents feel more caring. anyways, i tried to overdose on my sleeping meds & woke up this morning, so another failed attempt, i honestly really wanted to die last night & i didn't care. i didn't think i'd have an incident like this so early in the year. i turn 21 in 3 weeks & i really didn't think i would be ending being 20 feeling like shit. my mental illness is a stigma to this family honestly. it's not taken seriously as it should sometimes. it feels like they act like it's a made up thing. i feel this need to cut my arms to feel a release of some sorts, but i won't do that. i would get a bad keloid scarring if i live through it.

i honestly think i was suppose to die this morning though, at around 4am. i felt this really real dream of my uncle, who's dead. going through my door with the dog & was about to toss the dog on me to wake me up, but didn't because he said i'm ocd clean & would probably freak out. so he left through the door again literally going through it without opening it. which was weird to me since my door was locked last night too, which i don't normally do but i didn't want my family to find my dead body right away if i had successfully died.

i'm honestly thankful for all my friends who've comforted me through all this, really. i feel such warmth from all their kind words & such. i feel sorry sometimes that they have to have a person like me in their lives though, i feel like a burden, even if they tell me i'm not & try to remind me that i'm a good person & such, i really am thankful for them.

so here i am today, January 18th 2016. i feel numb. why am i still here?